Cheaper than therapy

Today, I decided to start a blog about me...Marmee. I have a great blog about my crafting. www.madebymarmee.blogspot.com But this one is about the rest of me.  I will NOT begin at the beginning.  However,  a little background.
I am 44. Christian, Wife to a wonderful man, Mommy to 4 daughters and Marmee (grandmother) to 2.  I am diabetic.  I am fat.  I am depressed.  Wait...it gets better I promise.  I have been fat since my first pregnancy. I was never super thin but I graduated from high school at 120 pounds but only 5 foot tall so it always looked chubby. I have had some ups and downs, hurts and joys.  They are in the past. And while the past molds us, enlightens us, changes us- most of the time it belongs behind us.

So, what you can't see on this first blog entry is the type and cut, type and cut that has happened in the 30 minutes since I started. I know what I am doing this for.  FOR ME.  To be able to say how I feel without someone on FB unfriending and blocking me because I make them sad. Or the "lovely" man that told me I should do the world a favor and end it all.  Sorry, dude but I really want to see if my kids pull their lives together.  I want to see my grandbabies grow into faithful followers of Christ. I want to see my kids that have strayed from the Lord return so whole heartedly it makes me cry! So, I am not checking out just yet. 

Some days, I think, man this is too hard. I can't keep on like this.  I cry daily. I hate diabetes. I hate being fat. I hate never having enough money for some of the necessities of life not to mention comforts like air conditioning.  I look around at others and I wonder why do they have so much and why does my family not?  Then I look at the TRUE have nots.  I don't have AC some people don't have walls. My roof leaks and the windows don't open.  Some are on straw mats, eating rice or nothing at all.

Now, I know you are thinking....what the heck is this woman going to be talking about? This woman is wondering it that too. I can't tell you it will all be rainbows and puppy kisses.   In fact, I don't care if anybody reads this at all. It will be my heart, open and ugly or joyful.

WHY THE BLOG? WHY NOW?
I am afraid if I do not change by life today, I will die too soon. I will die sad, fat, grumpy, diabetic and kinda alone.  I need to be accountable for all of the things in my life.  I have prayed to my Father in heaven, sometimes hourly, for strength, wisdom, guidance. I know, thru His word He will never leave me. Never give me more than I can handle with Him ALL is possible. This blog is the accountability. Some entries will be yeah me! some will be why me?  However, it will be open me, honest me.  Tomorrow is a brand new day.  A new entry.  A new day of counting carbs, dosing insulin, crying, looking for my place.  This blog will be my friend.  And if you need a friend....I am willing to be all I can for you. We can lean on each other.  I know...ramble, ramble.