After much prayer, I decided not to take the at home job. I know that we need the cash but I just don't want to miss church so much. I am going to keep trying to get the elder care position and I am going to keep making stuff for my etsy site. Only a few cards on there now.
So today another day of ear and jaw pain. Need to see the dentist about TMJD. But again need cash for that.
Glucose checks were ok for the most part. Did not get any work done in the office cleaning area. In fact did a whole lot of nothing.
I really need a schedule. Like when I had a life. Tomorrow, I am going to start doing yoga at home with a video (yeah Netflix). I need to do something. Still trying not to die.
Short post tonight. Off to bed to read more Vampires, Warlocks and Shadowhunters.
Weight today 246. If I could only grow a foot taller... :-)
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
Marmee and the pump
So today's post will be about diabetes. My kids are 24, 23, 22 and 17. The 22 year old is the one with the 2 kids. Husband is history and they live with us. As do the 23 and 17 year old (until fall when she goes to college) I was gestational diabetic for 3 of my 4 pregnancies. 2 and 4 I had to inject insulin. All this time I was not below 200 pounds. Wow to put that on the web... Anyway, I was told "sooner or later" by almost all my doctors in the last 20 years. In December 2007, sooner came. My family doctor put me on Metformin and sent me on my way. No literature. Not a word. Only a script. By February, I had IBS. Bad. Like can't get thru a trip to Walmart without spend 2 twenty minute trips to the bathroom. I told my doctor she said, "well, metformin can do that but it usually goes away in a few months." Sugars were better. But she sent me for another 6 hour glucose tolerance test. Side note for those souls that have not had to do one of these. Nastiest fluid on the face of the earth to have to ingest. I can't drink orange soda to this day...
Test comes back the same. Diabetes. A few more months go by and the one year since diagnosis appointment comes up. She says your sugars are still too high. Let's try adding another pill. Take 2 Metformin one before breakfast and one before dinner. Well, potty time became twice as fun. I didn't leave the house to go any place where I could not get to a restroom in seconds. After a month of this, I call the office and come in again. She again reassures me that my body just has to get use to it. But adds another medication, glipizide. Also tells me to eat better. And maybe exercise. Exact words. I say the same things to our cat. Don't eat lizards and run more than nap.
First, day out and I have my usual freaky breakfast of a cup of soup. A trip to the craft store. When we are done, I don't feel so good. Sweaty. Now fat people sweat a lot and I am hot all the live long day but this is different. My arms are warm like at the wrist. I feel like I am blushing. I think oh maybe my sugar is low? I test. It is 43. I know that is not as low as some people get but I have never been that low. I am suppose to be between 80-120. So of course I panic. I look up. I see golden arches! Awesome! Soft drink not diet. Wait 15 minutes. 110. Good to go. I am more careful in the future but plod along for the next 3 months.
Next visit March. I will now give the readers digest verison of the next couple of years. Dr. sends to Endocrinologist. Hate him. Prescribes first insulin injections. Changes meds. Wait. Repeat. Wait. Repeat. Getting Fatter and gallstones get worse and so does muscle and joint pain.
FINALLY the good part. I actually read blogs. Not doctor sites. But BLOGS. Nice sickly people just like me. I tell them my woes. 4 shots a day. Carb counting sucks. Bleeding issues so low iron and low vitamin D. Tired all the time. Don't like to go away because I have to carry all the crap that comes with diabetes and insulin. One of them, http://www.diabetes1.org/blogs/Annas_Blog/all_posts, says the magic words. Insulin Pump. Of course, I had heard of them but they are pricey and my insurance sucks. So a no go for me right now. This is summer of 2012. But other stuff she and others say, Mari Ruddy I love you!, make so much sense about other things about the multiple daily injections. IT DOES NOT WORK JUST LIKE A PANCREAS. A pump is closer to a pancreas. So I wait and pray. And then...my husband changes back to his old job. I pray again. God, I want to live. I am not doing well with this. It is not working for me. If a pump is for me, help me get one.
I call the new insurance company. I hear the words that make me cry. "After your 200 dollar deductible your pump and supplies are covered 100 percent" I could have fainted. I kept repeating 100 percent? Old insurance---death was the only thing covered and you had to have 3 doctors sign off on it.
I researched pumps. Called the one I liked best. Animas. Wonderful woman walked me thru the 2 pages and then said, "I will take care of the rest." In the mean time I found a new endo that did not annoy the stuffin out of me. He signed off on the pump and I was on my way. I had to do a class which was basically a joke compared to the service and care I get from current trainer, Clyde, at new endo office.
I read some great books. I set some goals. Lose 100 pounds. A1C at 5. I read all the pumpers blogs I can find. I am ready. I expect miracles. I have a hard time with food. With no friends and no place to be food is a comfort. I read more and more. I don't want my husband to bury me because of diabetes like he did his father. I don't want to lose sight or limbs or die.
This brings us up to speed. Tomorrow, more on what needs to be done but this is the story so far.
Test comes back the same. Diabetes. A few more months go by and the one year since diagnosis appointment comes up. She says your sugars are still too high. Let's try adding another pill. Take 2 Metformin one before breakfast and one before dinner. Well, potty time became twice as fun. I didn't leave the house to go any place where I could not get to a restroom in seconds. After a month of this, I call the office and come in again. She again reassures me that my body just has to get use to it. But adds another medication, glipizide. Also tells me to eat better. And maybe exercise. Exact words. I say the same things to our cat. Don't eat lizards and run more than nap.
First, day out and I have my usual freaky breakfast of a cup of soup. A trip to the craft store. When we are done, I don't feel so good. Sweaty. Now fat people sweat a lot and I am hot all the live long day but this is different. My arms are warm like at the wrist. I feel like I am blushing. I think oh maybe my sugar is low? I test. It is 43. I know that is not as low as some people get but I have never been that low. I am suppose to be between 80-120. So of course I panic. I look up. I see golden arches! Awesome! Soft drink not diet. Wait 15 minutes. 110. Good to go. I am more careful in the future but plod along for the next 3 months.
Next visit March. I will now give the readers digest verison of the next couple of years. Dr. sends to Endocrinologist. Hate him. Prescribes first insulin injections. Changes meds. Wait. Repeat. Wait. Repeat. Getting Fatter and gallstones get worse and so does muscle and joint pain.
FINALLY the good part. I actually read blogs. Not doctor sites. But BLOGS. Nice sickly people just like me. I tell them my woes. 4 shots a day. Carb counting sucks. Bleeding issues so low iron and low vitamin D. Tired all the time. Don't like to go away because I have to carry all the crap that comes with diabetes and insulin. One of them, http://www.diabetes1.org/blogs/Annas_Blog/all_posts, says the magic words. Insulin Pump. Of course, I had heard of them but they are pricey and my insurance sucks. So a no go for me right now. This is summer of 2012. But other stuff she and others say, Mari Ruddy I love you!, make so much sense about other things about the multiple daily injections. IT DOES NOT WORK JUST LIKE A PANCREAS. A pump is closer to a pancreas. So I wait and pray. And then...my husband changes back to his old job. I pray again. God, I want to live. I am not doing well with this. It is not working for me. If a pump is for me, help me get one.
I call the new insurance company. I hear the words that make me cry. "After your 200 dollar deductible your pump and supplies are covered 100 percent" I could have fainted. I kept repeating 100 percent? Old insurance---death was the only thing covered and you had to have 3 doctors sign off on it.
I researched pumps. Called the one I liked best. Animas. Wonderful woman walked me thru the 2 pages and then said, "I will take care of the rest." In the mean time I found a new endo that did not annoy the stuffin out of me. He signed off on the pump and I was on my way. I had to do a class which was basically a joke compared to the service and care I get from current trainer, Clyde, at new endo office.
I read some great books. I set some goals. Lose 100 pounds. A1C at 5. I read all the pumpers blogs I can find. I am ready. I expect miracles. I have a hard time with food. With no friends and no place to be food is a comfort. I read more and more. I don't want my husband to bury me because of diabetes like he did his father. I don't want to lose sight or limbs or die.
This brings us up to speed. Tomorrow, more on what needs to be done but this is the story so far.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Cheaper than therapy
Today, I decided to start a blog about me...Marmee. I have a great blog about my crafting. www.madebymarmee.blogspot.com But this one is about the rest of me. I will NOT begin at the beginning. However, a little background.
I am 44. Christian, Wife to a wonderful man, Mommy to 4 daughters and Marmee (grandmother) to 2. I am diabetic. I am fat. I am depressed. Wait...it gets better I promise. I have been fat since my first pregnancy. I was never super thin but I graduated from high school at 120 pounds but only 5 foot tall so it always looked chubby. I have had some ups and downs, hurts and joys. They are in the past. And while the past molds us, enlightens us, changes us- most of the time it belongs behind us.
So, what you can't see on this first blog entry is the type and cut, type and cut that has happened in the 30 minutes since I started. I know what I am doing this for. FOR ME. To be able to say how I feel without someone on FB unfriending and blocking me because I make them sad. Or the "lovely" man that told me I should do the world a favor and end it all. Sorry, dude but I really want to see if my kids pull their lives together. I want to see my grandbabies grow into faithful followers of Christ. I want to see my kids that have strayed from the Lord return so whole heartedly it makes me cry! So, I am not checking out just yet.
Some days, I think, man this is too hard. I can't keep on like this. I cry daily. I hate diabetes. I hate being fat. I hate never having enough money for some of the necessities of life not to mention comforts like air conditioning. I look around at others and I wonder why do they have so much and why does my family not? Then I look at the TRUE have nots. I don't have AC some people don't have walls. My roof leaks and the windows don't open. Some are on straw mats, eating rice or nothing at all.
Now, I know you are thinking....what the heck is this woman going to be talking about? This woman is wondering it that too. I can't tell you it will all be rainbows and puppy kisses. In fact, I don't care if anybody reads this at all. It will be my heart, open and ugly or joyful.
WHY THE BLOG? WHY NOW?
I am afraid if I do not change by life today, I will die too soon. I will die sad, fat, grumpy, diabetic and kinda alone. I need to be accountable for all of the things in my life. I have prayed to my Father in heaven, sometimes hourly, for strength, wisdom, guidance. I know, thru His word He will never leave me. Never give me more than I can handle with Him ALL is possible. This blog is the accountability. Some entries will be yeah me! some will be why me? However, it will be open me, honest me. Tomorrow is a brand new day. A new entry. A new day of counting carbs, dosing insulin, crying, looking for my place. This blog will be my friend. And if you need a friend....I am willing to be all I can for you. We can lean on each other. I know...ramble, ramble.
I am 44. Christian, Wife to a wonderful man, Mommy to 4 daughters and Marmee (grandmother) to 2. I am diabetic. I am fat. I am depressed. Wait...it gets better I promise. I have been fat since my first pregnancy. I was never super thin but I graduated from high school at 120 pounds but only 5 foot tall so it always looked chubby. I have had some ups and downs, hurts and joys. They are in the past. And while the past molds us, enlightens us, changes us- most of the time it belongs behind us.
So, what you can't see on this first blog entry is the type and cut, type and cut that has happened in the 30 minutes since I started. I know what I am doing this for. FOR ME. To be able to say how I feel without someone on FB unfriending and blocking me because I make them sad. Or the "lovely" man that told me I should do the world a favor and end it all. Sorry, dude but I really want to see if my kids pull their lives together. I want to see my grandbabies grow into faithful followers of Christ. I want to see my kids that have strayed from the Lord return so whole heartedly it makes me cry! So, I am not checking out just yet.
Some days, I think, man this is too hard. I can't keep on like this. I cry daily. I hate diabetes. I hate being fat. I hate never having enough money for some of the necessities of life not to mention comforts like air conditioning. I look around at others and I wonder why do they have so much and why does my family not? Then I look at the TRUE have nots. I don't have AC some people don't have walls. My roof leaks and the windows don't open. Some are on straw mats, eating rice or nothing at all.
Now, I know you are thinking....what the heck is this woman going to be talking about? This woman is wondering it that too. I can't tell you it will all be rainbows and puppy kisses. In fact, I don't care if anybody reads this at all. It will be my heart, open and ugly or joyful.
WHY THE BLOG? WHY NOW?
I am afraid if I do not change by life today, I will die too soon. I will die sad, fat, grumpy, diabetic and kinda alone. I need to be accountable for all of the things in my life. I have prayed to my Father in heaven, sometimes hourly, for strength, wisdom, guidance. I know, thru His word He will never leave me. Never give me more than I can handle with Him ALL is possible. This blog is the accountability. Some entries will be yeah me! some will be why me? However, it will be open me, honest me. Tomorrow is a brand new day. A new entry. A new day of counting carbs, dosing insulin, crying, looking for my place. This blog will be my friend. And if you need a friend....I am willing to be all I can for you. We can lean on each other. I know...ramble, ramble.
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